Tuesday, March 28, 2006


it may sound really simple and obvious, but i am bowled over by the effect that love has on people these days. i spy three victims of loveflux:

the cactus: she's without any love of any kind, but not because it hasn't been offered. she's fresh and green and inviting from afar, but when you get close, you see those spines glistening with venom. her life has become pretty arid -- i think we're all sick of getting stuck so many times.

prometheus: how many years is he going to spend strapped to that effing rock, entrails ripped to shreds by that evil eagle? friends keep trying to set him free, but there he stays, inviting the pain and humiliation all for the promise of false love and masochistic repentance for just doing it all wrong when the going was good.

schmoopy: formerly of the spiny succulent variety, after dragging her heels and bitching and moaning, bears her sweet juicy side to someone who's just so good to her. she's sweet and sappy and happy and fun. stubbly doubt keeps coming back -- fear of rejection, fear of heartbreak, fear of the unknown -- and she requires a little pruning and reassurance. love has made her look at her bad habits in a can-do light. on the whole, schmoopy is love's finest accomplishment: a venomous, negative entity turned bubbly and optimistic.

to quote when harry met sally, tell me i never have to be out there again.

"...this stupid, wagon wheel, roy rogers, garage sale coffee table!"

Friday, March 24, 2006

from farts to fruit and back again

oh, pureheart, how i love thee.

sorry for the dearth in posting. haven't felt particularly posty. i figure, perhaps if i write something, the pithy content comes later. to those who are of the easily-offended variety, i apologize in advance for a most unsavory entry.

speaking of pithy, i am reminded of my humiliating experience with color commentating. i was struggling with a good way to explain my feelings on a performance in a manner that joe lunchbucket can understand. with furrowed brow, i muttered, "it's hard to be substantive without being pithy." my brilliant, seasoned co-host winced at me like she just accidentally walked into my fart cloud. "oh my gawd! who even talks like that?!" i will always be an insufferable word nerd at heart.

speaking of fart clouds, my other present obsession [besides checking things off casey and my shared to-do list] is fruit. i have become quite the fructivore: bowls of berries with fat-free vanilla yogurt on top, perfectly sized pureheart watermelons, gala apples, just-ripe bananas. i ran a buncha errands yesterday and noticed it just doesn't take that much to pollute the red sled's air quality. i can leave and come back, and it's still kinda wrong in there. i am pretty certain a few commuters waiting on addison to get on the kennedy saw me pull the single-cheek sneak, make a face, and then slide open the sunroof. the sled may not have a CD player, air-conditioning, or a flawless chassis, but by golly, she's got an electric sunroof. this will be a must-have on my next car.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

lookee here

can i borrow your mask? then, no one will see me crying. neato!

at long last, here is a post. my winter schedule forced me to abandon the blogosphere almost entirely at the same time my figure has begun to take on a more spherical appearance. since my insane wintertime has ended, i've tried to post so many times and stopped because something else got in the way.

so what's been going on with me -- here's a month-by-month recap:

12/1-8: conceived a baby, unbeknownst to us.

12/11: driving down I-55 to get to peoria, skidded on black ice and spun out into a ditch, damaging "jeff" [casey's black ford explorer sport]. was winched out and had to arrive at the event venue smiling and ready to take charge.

12/17: ran a kick-ass event. trotting around the venue, noticed a very foreign phenomenon - the bouncing of my own bosom. peculiar. went out that evening to adobo grill for my birthday with my family and enjoyed what i now know were my last margaritas for a long time [sigh].

12/20: happy 33rd birthday -- you're officially late! casey is still skeptical. one lone [and expired] ept stick is at the ready, just in case.

12/21: guess what else? you're going to co-host the college dance team championship on espn!

12/22: get up and pee on expired stick. yep - pregnant! casey is still mildly unconvinced. we pack up and drive to detroit in stunned disbelief.

12/23: we hide in the back of barnes & noble to cram with pregnancy manuals of every stripe.

12/25: exchanging presents early morning. casey breaks the news to nana and gamper hess that there's another christmas present, coming in late august. they are sworn to secrecy. later at eric and laurel's house, tom hess proceeds to dangle the secret precariously and is threatened within an inch of his pinot grigio. don't mess with mama bear. casey shares the news with the hess clan during the christmas dinner toast.

12/27: on the way back home, we go to lunch with my momma in sawyer, mi. at the very last second, break the news. from no grandkids to three this summer! shocking!

1/4-15: casey launches off on his trip to london/barcelona/mumbai. introduction to pregnancy weepiness. my schedule is jammed with dance team practices around the chicagoland area.

1/12-15: i head to orlando to host the college shows. can't stop eating. this tv thing is really a lot harder than it looks... can i just go watch now? i sure hope my hotel roommate stops coughing. spend the next few days during the national sales meeting evening events discreetly drinking ginger ale, hoping everyone is too wasted to notice my teetotaling.

1/18: finally return home, having not seen casey for two weeks. more crying. i don't feel well. cancelling all practices that weekend.

1/20: after making much fun of my husband and brother-in-law for always being sick, my ass is handed to me by the flu. what do i take to kill this bug safely? i have a competition this weekend! yes, there is weeping.

1/22: competition is run for me by my amazing staff as i lay on the couch, unshowered, smelly, and miserable.

1/24: chippy has four teeth pulled. her mouth can no longer be smelled from three yards away. still attending dance team practices here and there.

1/29: run a giant competition at my high school alma mater. it is good.

2/2: back down to orlando, but my head is on the competition i have the next weekend -- do i have enough judges? what about equipment? is the schedule ready to be finalized? meetings with the tv producer interrupt my working, apparently to watch him eat a tuna fish sandwich and show off his new ibook.

2/3: this is hard. it isn't fun. my best efforts are met with blank expressions. go back to my hotel room and cry.

2/4: cry as much as possible before makeup. by the end of the night, i'm over it and snapping. enjoy as many performances as possible between floggings to my self-esteem.

2/7: casey and i go for the first ultrasound. oh my god - there's a baby in there! so exciting! not crying.

2/10: see the bad plus at old town school. so spiritually renewing, it's church-like.

2/11: my last regional comp. i begin sharing the news about why my pants are not buttoned right and why i cried like a freak during eden prairie's performance to kate bush's "this woman's work".

2/14: happy valentine's day. i have the best husband in the world. crying.

2/15: i am plunged into the fiery depths of hell - tulsa.

2/16: happy anniversary...not! arguments in the tv producer's studio about what i should be saying on the voiceovers. walked in on a backstabbing session. get me out of here... except my flight is cancelled. go to united ticketing lobby and sob unashamedly. rebooked to leave next morning at 10:47a , so i luxuriate at the downtown doubletree. eff it.

2/17: "ma'am, this flaht is overbooked." standing at gate desk, shielding red, teary face from other business travelers. at least i scored a $300 flight voucher... um, when am i gonna get to use that in the next year?! the bathroom has a nice couch in there for crying. rebooked for 2:50 but don't actually leave until like 4:30. get home at 7:30p. i have so much work to do. casey and i suffer through the slowest dinner at a thai place around the corner. just shoot me now.

2/18: leave for my last event.

2/19: 72 giant trophies are on campus, but no one knows where. mama bear re-emerges as i am told "i don't know what to tell you." roar! despite this, day runs without a hitch. scratch that; there's mild controversy as the team for whom i choreograph beats one of my best friend's team which happens to be second in the nation.

2/20-present: at the same rate at which my life returns to normalcy, my body begins to reject normalcy. new, expensive, larger bras. i stop kidding myself - ain't no buttoning them jeans. the flow of tears has largely been staunched.

looking forward to a happy spring and a return to posting!