Wednesday, July 19, 2006

the nose knows: my type

have you ever figured out what you think makes someone attractive? i think i've distilled exactly what does it for me. according to my highly scientific research, the secret equation to someone's hotness is:

beautiful bone structure + full lips + large or lumpy nose = scrumptious

i'm serious. here are those that have helped me arrive at this calculation:

exhibit a - owen wilson

exquisite cheekbones and chin? check. big, pouty lips? check. pendulous proboscis? ding, ding ding! delicious!

exhibit b - elizabeth hurley

she has a perfectly fragile, symmetrical face and a strong enough chin and lips to balance out a slightly bulbous schnozz. i hope she doesn't go dr. 90210 on us and get it bobbed -- she's my girl crush, y'all.

exhibit c - mi quesito

the ultimate in hottness with almond shaped eyes, a squarely chiseled chin, juicy lips, and a shameless nose. no wonder i stared at his profile so hard when we met, sipping my northside tea, six years ago. i had no choice -- i had to marry him. i just didn't really get why at the time.

i now understand why, also, i put up with this one on-again/off-again boyfriend's crap for so many years -- he was middle eastern with big, long lashed brown cow-eyes, a huge smacker, long and luscious black curls, and hello, a nose with its own zipcode.

i wonder what makes this combination so compelling to me. ever though about what components make your type?

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

dateline segment on hypnobirthing

as some of you know, i'm doing a self-study course for childbirth hypnosis called hypnobabies. it's an adaptation of hypnobirthing and is very similar in principle but allows for movement during the birthing process instead of just remaining in a deepened state in the lithotomy position [on your back], the most common yet most physiologically challenging position in which to birth. as i get nearer and nearer to my birthing time, i soak up reinforcement thirstily -- positive encouragement and support is the key to success with any hypnosis [for all you kibbitzing armchair obstetricians out there]. this totally hit the nail on the head for me.

[[click here to open in windows media]]

it's about 25 minutes long but the dateline segment [14 minutes in] is the part really worth watching the most. the first part is an ad for a hypnobirthing instructor. i'm not 100% sure why -- maybe because it's something i want so desperately -- but watching the first time mom's peaceful, perfect birth just had me weeping. when all the people were scrambling to get the room ready for the second woman's birth [it had progressed so quickly], i chuckled through my tears. i keep hearing how hypnosis exceeds expectations and it's funny to see that in action, but a bummer that all the chaos [look at all the people! urgh!] broke her concentration momentarily.

Monday, July 10, 2006

jim & edna

i received this today in an email from one of my former customers whom i've known for years. i think, in the instances that tend to give me much anxiety, this is a particularly apt [and amusing] anecdote.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Friday, July 07, 2006

R.I.P. L.R.S.

yes, the time has come and gone -- the little red sled is no more. this weekend, after much forceful haggling on casey's behalf and unprofessional salesmanship on the dealership side, we traded the old girl in for a 2006 four-door honda civic lx. it's got air conditioning, folks. it doesn't smell like twelve years of body odor has seeped into the upholstery. the cupholders actually work. the speakers aren't shot. it doesn't look like i played crash derby with it, either. it's a scrumptious shade of metallic taupe and it's fabulous.

leaving my girl on clark street downtown was bittersweet. she's been there for me on long, hot, cow-ass infused drives through the rurals of iowa. she's been my reliable steed as i made five changes of residence, cats meowing, puking, shedding and shitting. in winter, she's kept me warm and safe, gliding effortlessly across the midwestern tundra. she has quite a fan base -- friends of mine from minnesota to memphis, from kansas city to connecticut will mourn her passing.

as we drove away towards lake shore drive, i instantly conjured up the end of "so long, farewell" from the sound of music as the youngest von trapp softly sings, "goodbye... goodbye... goodbyyyye..."