Wednesday, December 21, 2005
i just came across this article on treehugger about the concept called elimination communication. it's kinda funny because i guess my dad's mom used this approach with all six of her kids in the old country. she'd feed them and then strategically place them over the toilet at the appropriate time.
everyone used to laugh at her because she tended to pat herself a little too hard on the back for that one, or so everyone thought. she insisted that her babies were all potty-trained at six months. not so much. more like she had trained herself to time the dropping of the d at the correct time.
well, i give my yia yia props for being ahead of her time. i don't know nothin' 'bout crappin' no babies, but i think you better have some fierce micromanagement skills to tackle this approach.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
heyyyyy! it's my birthday! whoooooo!
a birthday can only be a great one when everyone is laughing. i'm talking about the kind of laugh that, in my family, we have affectionately termed gettin' ugly. you know the one: you can feel your face trying to escape your skull by pulling itself toward the back of your head, you're starting to choke, and the most heinous noises are escaping your body you never knew you could produce.
with that, i give you steve, don't eat it.
no, it's not new, but it's still entertaining... kinda like me. enjoy!
Monday, December 19, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
you know you lahkit the sled, queso...
"...i'm not sure really where the big boob gene in my family comes from."
"i surely didn't get it."
"no. no, you didn't"
"...but i have my dad's nipples."
"don't ever say that again."
"what?! what's the big deal?"
"saying that again could be grounds for divorce."
"aw, come on..."
"that's okay: i have my mom's penis."
Friday, December 09, 2005
say it with me, "rw mcquarters is one of my droogs... rw mcquarters is one of my droogs.."
when i take my lunch each day at about 3pm, i read that week's time magazine. this week, i read possibly one of the all time stupidest quotes. surely, the author of the article must have typed the quote in to the piece with a smirk and a chuckle, right? right?! despite my mouthful of grilled cheese-and-apple sandwich, i gave the page a good hearty bronx cheer. at least i won't have to read it again -- the pages are now stuck together.
here it is:
"there is a large number of people, mainly women, who do not play sports or see much point in watching professional sports," says john quelch, a professor of marketing at harvard business school. "they have a competitive spirit that manifests itself on black friday [the day after thanksgiving when everyone shops like they are on fire]."
if this man was my husband, you're damn right i'd be shopping... for a bag to put over my head. talk about a random correlation. because they tend to occur at the same time, surely there must be a link? and you teach at... harvard?!
i can see it now:
men, tired of their wives racking up debt on artificial upside-down christmas trees and teeny dvd players, assemble their beloved wives clockwork orange-style in front of a theater screen. with their eyes pried open [mine are watering just thinking about it], they are forced to endure hour after hour of monday night football, complete with horrifyingly uncountable [trust me: i've had to choreograph to that nightmare twice now] theme song playing over and over.
dun, dun-dun, DAHHH.... dun, dun, dun, dun-DAHHH!!!
with one hand clutching their wives' hands, the hubbies administer eyedrops with the other, cooing, "almost done. hang in there, honey. once we get past howie long's flat top, we're in the final stretch. oh, i'm so proud of you, sweetie!"
several hours later [the game went into overtime, you see] the weary couples file from the theater. some are going out for a celebratory ice cream sundae, but most check their watches nervously. they don't want to be late for their doctor-induced hysterical paroxysms.
Monday, December 05, 2005
with so many nerves dangling out there in the breeze, it feels like playing long-distance chess, like a tennis game in outer space, like running a marathon under water. having a list of things to do and checking them off can be so invigorating to me. moving this slow makes me want to curl up on the couch and watch judge judy.
Friday, December 02, 2005
smoked a cigarette or tried it - yes.
crashed a friend's car - i only know one person that actually lends me her car when i come in to teach her dance team choreography each summer, and i am in a cold sweat driving from my hotel to the high school twenty minutes away. my secret's out: this is where all the mushrooms growing on the seat are coming from!
been dumped - yep, however, given what i've been told is an astronomical number of paramours, the ratio of dumped:dumper is about 1:15.
shoplifted - yes, there were some junior high antics involving wet'n'wild makeup and whatnot at the corner jewel-osco in northbrook. recently, i accidentally walked out of the target with a pair of slippers hanging from my purse that i wanted and didn't pay for. i was frozen in my tracks in the parking lot, unsure of what to do, but the devil on my left [seated in front of the steering wheel of his ford explorer sport] hissed, "forget it! don't worry about it! just keep going!"
been fired/laid off - no. [knocking furiously on wood]
been arrested - no. i am a very good girl.
gone on a blind date - yes, i met three people on the internet whom i met in person. one really wasn't a date. he was some kid in england that i had chatted on telnet with in my loneliest last semester at iowa. despite my lack of success, i tell all my single buddies out there to just try it anyway! a girl's gotta eat, right?
lied to a friend - well, obscured truth is probably more accurate. i am a terrible liar, as most sagittarii are. honesty is the best policy.
skipped school - uh, yup, but not until college.
seen someone die - my cat, oliver, suffocated in my arms on my 29th birthday. he was in the final stages of feline leukemia and he struggled too much while i was trying to feed him and just asphixiated himself. it was a horrible moment that still makes me cry just thinking about it.
been to canada - once, on a hess bros. ski extravaganza at mont tremblant. i loved it!
been to mexico - hellz, yeah.
eaten sushi - only veggie maki. i made it, too [pats self on back] but casey is the master at rolling the maki tightly.
met someone in person from the internet - yeah. see above.
taken pain-killer - hoo-yeah. i had my wisdom teeth pulled out over winter break my freshman year at iowa. i enjoyed a little vicodin, napped a bit, ate my spaghetti dinner, then drank many beers at an impromptu high school reunion in the monckton's basement. that was the closest to drug-addled depravity i've ever come.
had a tea party - um... wha-it?
cheated while playing a game - not to my recollection.
fallen asleep at work - yep, but surprisingly, not here at home where i work every day. i have fallen asleep in cozy cubicles while waiting for something to do as a temp. hey, no harm, no foul!
used a fake ID - yeah, i had gotten one from some bad seeds at bradley university who were friends with my boyfriend at the time. it was a real ID [one of those unlaminated missouri ones] that we just changed the numbers on with a pencil. stupid.
felt an earthquake - no.
touched a snake - yes. i used to live with several large reptiles, including a copperhead snake.
been robbed - yes, i was mugged at something-point the day before my 28th birthday in bucktown.
petted a reindeer/goat - yes. i love goats.
won a contest - none i can recall.
been suspended from school - no. i was alexis p. keaton.
been in a car accident - yes, but i wasn't driving. the driver fell asleep at the wheel driving from memphis to chicago and careened into a reflector stick on the side of the road.
had braces - nope, but i used to pretend by putting stretched out paperclips in my mouth.
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - maybe once.
witnessed a crime - yes.
swam in the ocean - yes! i love to swim in the waves.
sung karaoke - nope.
paid for a meal with only coins - yes, in college. i also used to charge doritos and pop on my american express card. stupid.
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose - yes, once i was eating dinner with my sister dina. i laughed and chili [we're talking beans, some cheese, and some meat] shot out of my nose. talk about burn!
been kissed under mistletoe - naw.
crashed a party - nope.
worn pearls - yes, i received a lovely pinkish cream strand for my high school graduation. i love them. casey also gave me some very pretty earrings he bought in london, too. i love to wear these gifts together.
jumped off a bridge - no. i can't even stomach jumping off a 20-foot dock more than once, so a bridge is out of the question.
ate dog/cat food - good god, no.
kissed a mirror - what? is this something that people do? i was too busy kissing lots and lots of boys.
glued your hand to something - all the time. i glue softpaws [like feline lee press-ons] on to my clawed cats nails with superglue and am always getting other detritus stuck to my own paws.
done a one-handed cartwheel - you betcha.
talked on the phone for more than 6 hours - i ban the telephone.
didn't take a shower for a week - no way. talk about crotch crickets.
picked and ate an apple right off the tree - negative, ghostrider.
been told by a complete stranger that you're hot - yeah. it comes with having been blonde, i suppose.