Tuesday, November 30, 2004

about periods, daddy!

click here to watch

i love this video. i watched it completely slack-jawed. i challenge you to watch the whole ten and a half minutes. i was really surprised at how progressive it is, given that it's as old as it is. come to think of it, it's pretty progressive even for today. i can't imagine displaying a wad of gore to my young, apparently down syndrome sister like that, but what's pretty cool is that no one is horrified about anything. there's no embarrassment, no ick factor, no stigma -- it's like a makeup lesson. i think the use of "opening between the legs" instead of vagina is a little odd, given that virtually everything else on the film is what i perceive to be no-holds-barred, but i think it's fascinating to imagine how differently our perception of menstruation would be if every household were this candid.

i remember sitting in the bathroom in junior high on october 25, 1985 [my brain is a filing cabinet for useless data] and thinking the one really naughty thing i'd permit myself to say at that age when i was fuming mad -- 'god damn it!' -- as i wadded up my first makeshift, one-ply, industrial toilet paper annoyance. when my pretty fifth-grade teacher miss smiley told us about menstruation in sex ed class, i was devastated by what seemed like an unavoidable life-long prison sentence. as i swung open the stall door that day in eighth grade, i remember feeling the barred door of womanhood rattling shut behind me.

i'm trying to visualize sitting on the arm of the couch next to my dad. hearing my dad say with a slight greek accent, "that's right! you fold it, wrap it up, and put it in the nearest wastebasket!" would he twirl his purple mustache, gold lion medallion glinting against his post-fishing sunburned chest and smile his snaggle-tooth grin?

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

o.j. needed more o.j.

an obviously pre-orange-juice disposition Posted by Hello

when i was little(r), i remember reading in one of my snoopy encyclopedias that drinking orange juice each day prevents crabbiness. i was quite the insomniac [perhaps due to rampant in utero exposure to no doz, which also may explain my ten-year dependence on ephedra. just kidding... love you, momma!], so those books were my best friends for many years. to this day, i get really aggro without even eight ounces of o.j.

apparently, i need to keep drinking the sunny stuff. the antioxidants may help my brow's deepening furrow. fugly.

Monday, November 22, 2004

loving the right brained

there should be a book called 'how to live peacefully with your right-brained loved one' because i'd buy it. i'll affectionately call our challenging friends arbees.

for instance, what is the best way to cope with the arbee's inability to formulate sentences and thoughts in a concise, expedient manner. how do you keep yourself from screaming, 'spit it out already!' when they talk as slowly and circuitously as molasses running down the tennessee mountains in january? i find myself maniacally interjecting "uh-huh? yess?! and then?!" trying to bridge the valleys between words.

can there be a topic on grappling with your arbee's indecision? if we're ripping out home decorating ideas from the likes of dwell and west elm, then what in the love of kee-rist are you doing with that wretched pottery barn catalog? wasn't that in the recycling bin?!

how about when your arbee just plain can't focus on a task at hand. the seven dwarves were not arbees -- not a one. there's no whistling while you work. there's getting really pissed off at it, throwing pieces of it, hurting one's self while doing it, but no whistling.

i love my arbee boy. he's creative, hella talented, and very open minded. he likes to play and makes beverages shoot out of my nose from cracking up almost ritualistically. i'd never trade him for the boring, methodical, predictable elbee... but, man alive. someone oughta get writing already.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

what i love

this is the cover of the blue six album.  it defines perfection: living in a sweet, modern pad, checking out the nightlife below after someone gave your dope body a good shagging.

following jamie's lead, here are some things i love:

  • ...when people let me fall asleep on the couch watching tv. i don't understand the culture that dictates i should be mocked and shamed awake and into my bed. lemme just peacefully fall asleep here, at least until everyone has toddled off to bed and the house has matched my level of quietude.
  • ...sour fruit with cheese, caramel or chocolate. i can eat slices of granny smith and sharp cheddar for lunch and be totally satisfied. if i was mayor mccheese, i'd make that a happy meal. in maccy d's defense, they do have one uniquely edible item there -- apple dippers! fresh apple slices and a small cup of caramel. deeee-aum.
  • ...wide-leg wool flannel trousers. dressy looking but as comfy as pajamas. they make your tush look cute but hide thighs. if my sewing machine worked better [blast you, bobbin tension], i'd make a pair myself.
  • ...snuggling with cats. the little people like to spoon with us big people and it's the best. i always marvel a bit at the love, comfort, and connection that can be shared between a person and an animal.
  • ...good chillout tunes. mellow, relaxing, four-on-the-floor beats with a little brazillian flavor -- the likes of which can be heard by blue six, miguel migs, and ben watt's buzzin' fly -- always get me in a happy, mellow mood.
  • ...a good head-raking. since casey plays guitar, he has long nails on at least one hand and very strong fingers. i put my head on his stomach and beg for a head-raking on sunday afternoons.
  • ...mrs. meyer's all purpose cleaner in lemon verbena. it's got that aveda-y smell to mask eau de cat poo.
  • vegetarian restaurants... i get this overwhelmingly orgasmic wave of extreme glee eating at places like green zebra and chicago diner. it's like a dream come true to go somewhere and choose things based on what you feel like eating as opposed to what doesn't have dead animals in it. think about it: always having to be the one to ask for the such-and-such without the chorizo and is that cooked in chicken stock and does or doesn't that have meat in it, you feel yourself becoming a loathsome pain in the ass.
  • ...aruba. aruba is dope.

    what do you love?

Saturday, November 13, 2004

good answer, good answer...

"what you do when you see your ex-wife at a party: 'hide in the corner and pout'... survey says?!"

i would be remiss if i failed to mention a momentous occurrence: after 12 years of out-and-out ugly-ass hateration, my parents actually conducted themselves in a genteel, polite, civil manner at my little sister's 30th birthday party at moretti's in edison park.

alas, we did actually dupe my father and his wife into coming -- we neglected to mention to them that my mother and her husband would be there. whoops-a-daisy! my mom and jack arrived and chatted everyone up drinking delicious wheat beer when tomás [not his real name -- just what we call him] and judy [a mid 40's version of jessica simpson] entered the private room. we stood with my mom by the bar on the other side of the room, discussing these felt-and-rhinestone poppy pins i make, when her eyes locked on the newest party guests.

have you ever been with a friend at a bar and they either see someone they have a massive crush on someone they dated for a long time? you know how they get all amped up? i could almost see the adrenaline rush -- her pupils dilated, face blanched, hands white-knuckling the pint glass. in that split second, i realized that no one really ever grows out of that. miraculously, my mother fought off the urgent fight-or-flight mechanism, beamed her biggest big-toothed grin, and promptly slugged down the remaining oktoberfest brew. casey [our family's newest quasi-therapist] went to the bar to refresh her refreshment in a show of support.

the night went well, far better than we all anticipated. you see, the last time i remember my parents at the same social gathering, we were at webster wine bar for our couple's shower. my father entered the gathering and promptly stationed himself in the corner closest to the door for fear of interacting with my mom. this made introducing him [who, at this point, had already put his foot down that he would not pay or participate in our wedding] to my in-laws-to-be all the more awkward because he refused to break the invisible force-field that kept him tethered there.

jack, my stepdad, talked with my dad [read "listened to my dad talk at him"] for an ungodly amount of time about fishing, and judy [never a discriminating chatter] talked everyone to pieces about anything. my mom and dad discussed a sundry of notables pertaining to the health of former and current brothers- and sisters-in-law. my mother primly folded her arms praying-mantis style and gripped her wrists in her trademark fashion and for one day, my sisters and i got to reminisce of days when my parents were married, still didn't like each other, but held closed the now-present yawning chasm that makes holidays and special events so trying for us. i don't blame them for the way they feel [hell, i begged them to split up]; i only know that seeing them try very hard to move on in some capacity that one night gave us three a wonderful feeling of hope and peace.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

cat poo = mat glue

i really can't wait for this construction to be over.

for those of you out there with pets, i'm sure you'll heartily agree that having animals living in your house comes with a price. having a pet means accepting ugly pet furniture into your design scheme, tripping over chew toys, and having your polish cleaning lady repeatedly tell you with great emphasis, "you hyev lot, lot, lot of cyet hyer!" living with companion animals also means contending with poop.

when not under construction, our four litter boxes reside under our stairs on our enclosed porch. it's a great location for them because you can't smell them in the rest of the house and you're not constantly dealing with errant litter pellets everywhere, only when you walk in or out of the back door. the problem with not being able to smell them is that you may forget to change them from time to time. i used to have a schedule for what days were changing days, but with both of us constantly traveling, adherance to the schedule can be slipshod -- the right-brained don't snap to grid very well. as a gentle reminder to us, jackson [also known by a multitude of other names] will leave his signature calling card -- a turd or two -- on the rubber mat placed at the back door entrance. we don't get mad. we know it's our fault, so we just kinda go, "ah, you got us. sorry, man. we're so busted."

now that the back stairs are closed off to the cats and we're down to two litter boxes in the living room, regimen has a whole new meaning. anyone entering the house is greeted by a palpable wall of stench and a light dusting of paper gravel underfoot if the litter isn't freshened with great frequency. after changing the boxes last night with fresh feline pine, i noted that the smell didn't go away entirely.

i was just about to figuratively pat us on our proverbial backs for keeping up with the steady production of noxious waste from our three cats when, after returning home from a run to my corner dunkin donuts, i notice my crate & barrel entry rug is stuck to the floor. i peel up the carpet to see a great mashed blob of extremely concentrated, raw cat shit. apparently, fatty b had followed his standard protocol, this time depositing it under my lovely tapestry, and someone had stepped on it.

i think i'll try toilet training them again this year once my effin' house is done.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

if you are or know and love a woman or girl...

i received this email from a friend of mine and wanted to pass it along. i have read about this guy before. because of this man, women today in 2004 are being denied birth control pills. wtf! i've read that they're told to go home and pray their cramps away. this really scares me.

Dear Friends,

Even if you don't share my personal and political beliefs, please take a moment to consider the situation laid out in the following text:

President Bush has announced his intention to appoint Dr. W. David Hager to head up the Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. This committee has not met for more than two years, during which time its charter lapsed. As a result, the Bush Administration is tasked with filling all eleven positions with new members. This position does not require Congressional approval. The FDA's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee makes crucial decisions on matters relating to drugs used in the practice of obstetrics, gynecology and related specialties, including hormone therapy, contraception, treatment for infertility, and medical alternatives to surgical procedures for sterilization and pregnancy termination.

Dr. Hager is the author of "As Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring Women Then and Now." The book blends biblical accounts of Christ healing women with case studies from Hager's practice. His views of health care are far outside the mainstream for reproductive technology and modern gynecological practice. Dr. Hager is a practicing OB/GYN who describes himself as "pro-life" and refuses to prescribe contraceptives to unmarried women. In the book Dr. Hager wrote with his wife, entitled "Stress and the Woman's Body," he suggests that women who suffer from premenstrual syndrome should seek help from reading the bible and praying.

As an editor and contributing author of "The Reproduction Revolution: A Christian Appraisal of Sexuality Reproductive Technologies and the Family," Dr. Hager appears to have endorsed the medically inaccurate assertion that the common birth control pill is an abortifacient (causes abortion). We are concerned that Dr. Hager's strong religious beliefs may color his assessment of technologies that are necessary to protect women's lives or to preserve and promote women's health. Dr. Hager's track record of using religious beliefs to guide his medical decision-making makes him a dangerous and inappropriate candidate to serve as chair of this committee. Critical drug public policy and research must not be held hostage by anti-abortion politics.

Members of this important panel should be appointed on the basis of science and medicine, rather than politics and religion. American women deserve no less.

There is something you can do. Below is a letter to be sent to the White House, opposing the placement of Hager. Please copy all the text of this message and paste it into a fresh email; then sign your name below and SEND THIS TO EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO IS CONCERNED ABOUT WOMEN'S RIGHTS.

Every 100th person, please forward e-mail to president@whitehouse.gov

I oppose the appointment of Dr. W. David Hager to the FDA Reproductive
Health Drugs Advisory Committee. Mixing religion and medicine is
unacceptable in a policy-making position. Using the FDA to promote a
political agenda is inappropriate and seriously threatens women's health.
Members of this important panel should be appointed on the basis of science
and medicine, rather than politics and religion. American women deserve no

1. Carl Burns, New York City
2. Paul Amaru, NY, NY
3. Marion Vrusho, Stamford, CT
4. Enid Norris, Stamford, CT
5. Joyce Wolf, Stamford, CT
6. Beth Rollins, Cos Cob, CT
7. Susan Ellis, Old Greenwich, CT
8. Faye C. Gage, Darien, CT.
9. Janet M Joseph, West Chester, PA,
10. Sea Kaplan, Wayne, PA,
11. Ann Hiller, Wayne, PA
12. Lois Morris, Philadelphia, PA
13. Lynne Poag, Shamong, NJ,
14. Melinda Mangin, Jersey City, NJ
15. Stephani Salamea,Queens,NY
16. Gabriella F.Giresi Queens, NY
17. Maria Taormina Hicksville, NY;
18. Esta Joy Kroten; NYC, NY;
19. Jayne B. Hirsch
20. Erica Johnson
21. Teresa Solomita
22. Belinda Baer
23. Rachel Kulick, Boston, MA;
24. Abigail Ortiz, Boston Ma;
25. CelesteSchmid, Boston MA
26. Merrill Stubbs, New York, NY
27. Kimberley Roosenburg, NY, NY
28. Elizabeth Fox, NY, NY
29. Karlie Santucci, NY, NY
30. Erica Stern, NY, NY
31. Shanley Stern, NY, NY
32. Rachael Adler, NY, NY
33. Anne Klee, New Haven, CT
34. Rana Jazayerli, Arlington, VA
35. Aysha Corbett, Washington,DC
36. April Everett, Arlington, VA
37. Dr Sekai Chideya, CA
38. Ella Leers, NY, NY
39. Ari Ariel, NY, NY
40. Tri Do, MD, MPH, San Francisco, CA
41. Tonya Chaffee, MD, MPH San Francisco, CA
42. Janet Shalwitz, MD San Francisco, CA
43. Andrea Jacoby, Ph.D. San Francisco, CA
44. George Buffington, San Francisco, CA
45. Bonnie Earls-Solari
46. Jody Rassell Los Angeles, CA
47. Minna Towbin Pinger, New York, NY
48. Martine Singer, Los Angeles, CA
49. Jamie Bernstein, New York, NY
50. Karen Chester, New York NY
51. Alison Ames, New York NY
52. Teri Noel Towe, New York, NY
53. Gail Scordilis, Northampton, MA
54. Jessica Gifford, Easthamton, MA
55. Jess Saalfield, Montague, MA
56. Claudine Solin, San Francisco, CA
57. Susan Neubauer, Bozeman, MT
58. E. Kelley, Bozeman MT
59. Erin Byrne, Tualatin, OR
60. Kathleen Minde RN, Portland, OR
61. Savona Cook, Eugene, OR
62. Delia Paine, Bend, OR
63. Jennifer Shontz, WA
64. Deborah Paine, Seattle, WA
65. Gloria Lamson, Port Townsend, WA
66. Gloria Paige, Seattle, WA
67. Linda Lee, Portland, OR
68. Carmen Farmer, Portland , OR
69. Margaret Jennings, Portland, OR
70. Robert Conklin, Portland, OR
71. Aphra Katzev, Portland, OR
72. Karen McCurdy, RI
73. Jennifer Bowdoin, Providence, RI
74. Amber Fearn, E. Providence, RI
75. Karley D. Frankic, New Orleans, LA
76. JoAnn Burak, New Orleans, LA
77. Carol Wise, New orleans, LA
78. Judith H. Darsky, Larchmont, NY
79. Franne Weinberg, Mamaroneck, NY
80. Stephanie Shear, Tarzana, CA
81. Terry Schoninger, Rancho Mirage, CA
82. Jayne Hicks, Rancho Mirage, CA
83. Jill Shepherd, Winchester, MA
84. Jan D'Amore, Medford, MA
85. Lana Z Caplan, Boston, MA
86. Katya Gorker, Boston, MA
87. Mary Timony, Washington, D.C.
88. Raquel Pelzel, Brooklyn, NY
89. Alice Fixx, New York, NY
90. Deborah Slade, CT
91. Marguerite Strolle Salvatore, MD
92. Valerie A. Asher MD, Bethesda, MD
93. Joanna Alexander Seattle, WA
94. Maria Falgione, Lexington, SC
95. Jennifer Wood, Wellington, FL
96. Jamie Johnson, Chicago, IL
97. Paula Hess, Chicago, IL

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

yea for kate

neither one of these are kate

i love kate winslet. i admired her for outing the whole airbrushing sham that perpetuates the idea that all famous successful women are perfect-looking. i love that she laughed at her heavily altered cover photo, just made fun of how ludicrous it is [see above right]. i'm sure the dolts at gq were completely incredulous, wondering why she was upset -- they made her look better, right?

today, on good morning america, diane sawyer was seguing into commercial and kate was her next guest. the camera pans to kate, sitting in the green room waiting to be interviewed about her new film. you hear diane's voice say, "she's lost a lot of weight, and she did it with this chinese face diet..." kate grins sheepishly. i sat there gagging on diane's tactless words. there's nothing worse when someone says something like: "gee, what did you lose? fifteen, twenty pounds? thirty? you lost a lot of weight!"

"how out of character for kate winslet to be extolling the virtue of a weight loss method," i thought. "oh brother, she's sold out."

when the commercial ends, diane interviews her and all they discuss is the movie. the end. yea! we may be naive, but we think she refused to discuss it on the air. she just won some cool points with me.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

overly punctual punctualization

"be happy! whee! being female is so kEwL!"

...or maybe just chalk it all up to newly non-regulated hormonal fluctuations.

i endeavor to think positively about being a chemical-free woman, but i have been on the verge of tears for about 16 hours now, my abdomen is buzzing with electric current, and my mind feels like a drawer of dull kitchen utensils. i now remember the impetus behind my starting to take those pills in the first place [no, not the obvious intended purpose]. it's only been 24 days and i wake up with khartoum's head in my husband's favorite sheets. surprise!

all the cute kitty-cat printed mini pads in the world won't make me feel less than miserable right now.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

bass ackwards... with a beauty focus!

i'm not going to go on and on here about how disillusioned i am at the result of the election -- my thoughts are written far more poignantly on the other blogs [check out my list of sites on the right]. today was an aggro day for me, punctuated by an annoying sinus headache.

no, god doesn't smile on your liberal feminist friend today.

john kerry's e-mail written to his supporters made me want to clutch his oh-so-metro barn jacket and weep.

how do i sit shiv'a? buy myself a plentitude of beauty products, of course!
time to trudge along... looking well-moisturized and depilated like all good hetero, christ-loving, choiceless gals should!

    Tuesday, November 02, 2004

    stop the insanity!

    susan, where are you when we need you?

    i am really relieved that today is election day. i am so completely over the election, i just want it to be over. please let it be over already. to me, this debate has gotten to feel very much like being in the marshall's on fullerton on a busy, balmy afternoon, trying on wool sweaters: my god, just get this thing off already! i'm gagging, sweating, and panicking. i can't wait to talk about and read about other things.

    get out there and vote to we can finally get this one-size-too-small, itchy shetland of an electoral race over with!