Tuesday, December 28, 2004

the power of green sugar sprinkles

"vegetarian spicy potato & nut terrine is not a factor for you. "

wowee! today, we received gifts from two out of three cookied neighbors: a cute snoopy thank-you card and yummy candle from carlos [from the aqua-trimmed house just south] and a bottle of red in a sparkly wine bag from the young couple two houses north. we were so pleasantly surprised!

sugar cookies also have a magical property of cancelling out experiences eating turnips and vegetarian fear factor rat-o-matic loaf. you can read more about it here. honest, mom: your outstanding cooking skills are no match for the evil that lurks inside the turnip. see, i tried making a proteinful veggie entree using a recipe in this british [should have been warning enough] vegetarian cookbook we received from some very good friends. my poor meat-eating family made a very brave show of gobbling it down with comments like, "interesting" and "actually pretty good" when, truthfully, it was cack. way, way worse than turnips.

Monday, December 27, 2004

you're a mean one, mrs. grinch...

with the imminent culmination of our second floor construction, two back-to-back competitions, and a birthday, i've had little time to share my black-hearted, mean-spirited observations with everyone. we didn't do a tree, christmas ornaments, cards, nothing, but i guess we never do. i don't even collect ornaments for a tree -- the thought of having another live, shedding thing in my house makes my stomach acid churn.

as we hurdled all the obstacles in our way toward reaching that christmas spirit, we did manage to bake yummy sugar cookies for our neighbors on both sides, my sisters, and my mom and step dad while making what proved to be a disappointing vegetarian mushroom and nut terrine for saturday. the day of baking was not without its grinchiness -- fantasy football is a foe of teamwork -- but we managed to present green-ribbon festooned tins to our friends and loved ones.

in one last great heaving wretch of holiday cheer, we donned our gay apparel [emphasis on gay]. we agreed to surprise my family rocking out the thrift-store christmas threads like we were totally serious, but i started cracking up as soon as i walked in the room. i'm a bad liar, you see.

be looking for this fine shot on our 2005 christmas card. oh man, we look hot.

happy holidays from the hesses!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

racist pom squad = bigettes?

jazz hands!

so i get this call today from a woman in a southern illinois town who has just started a dance team and would like to try entering them in the hip hop category at one of my dance competitions. she was, on the whole, very unfamiliar with competition jargon, which i was happy to elucidate, but she still seemed apprehensive. i explained that, sans school-affiliation, she would need to enter our all star division. i cut her off at the pass by clarifying that "all star" doesn't equal "more advanced" -- all star is basically comprised of teams backed by private organizations like dance studios and gymnastic gyms instead of schools. even after all this thorough, patient explanation, she says, "oooh! all star! that sounds so scary!" that should have been my first indication of what was to come.

"well, there is an earlier event in belleville on january 9 that you might want to..." i started to offer, hoping she might come and at least watch this earlier event to see how a competition works.

"ooh," she murmured, "i bet they have a lot of rhythm over there. it's dark over there."

astounded, i politely offered, "i beg your pardon?"

"you know that area... they have a lot of dark skinned girls there, right? i bet they're real good at hip hop there." she explained.

unbeknownst to her, i choreograph for the team in belleville and have been for five years now. not that it's worth anything, but initial thought was that i hope i'm there to see the surprise register on her face when she sees twelve white jazzerinas take the floor. they aren't even hip-hoppy or "wiggerish" [hate that term] type girls either. probably their least strongest suit is hip hop.

aside from that, i was completely amazed that this woman actually said this racist statement... out loud! to me! on the phone! after telling me her name and school and everything! i'm guessing she assumed i was white, or at least certainly not black. i'm sure it never crossed her mind that i might be some other minority -- heavens no, not with such an anglo last name. maybe where she is, there aren't any other minorities. i can't believe that people think like this and have no qualms about saying it out loud to another person they don't even know.

what if they are all african american? that means they're automatically great at hip hop? that they'll be an unbeatable force against the legions of wide-eyed white pom pon girls because of course white girls can't move like that? they couldn't kick ass in high kick or lyrical? who thinks like this in 2004?!

i have black friends who are the most amazing jazz dancers regardless of where they grew up. i have known black dance instructors who have preferred to teach pom over hip hop because they're more comfortable with the style. scariest for this woman, i also know black girls with anglo names who have no racially distinguishing vocal traits. it could have been one of them on the phone instead of me, for all she knows. whoops-an-effing-daisy.

hope i don't get dooced for this.

Friday, December 10, 2004

men who vacuum don't suck

god bless you, james dyson, for showing you don't have to have your gonads duct taped to your posterior to pick up a fuggin' vacuum. unfortunately, the posh british accent may be perceived by those meat-'n'-'tater eatin' men as a bit fey. sad about that -- i root for you and your passion for a vacuum that doesn't lose suction nonetheless.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

going to the big starlight mint factory in the sky

my mom riding another horse named chinos

sad today. my mom is putting general, her horse, to sleep tomorrow [wednesday]. he has a degenerative ligament disease that has been getting worse and worse. she's a dressage rider and a jumper and hasn't been able to do any of that with him for a long time -- he's been just a really big, snuggly, peppermint candy-loving pet for a while, which has been fine. recently, she found him leaning against the side of the stall. his recent ultrasound didn't look good either.

i know that she's doing the right thing, but i'm just sad for her. i know what it's like to lose a pet -- my dearest siamese, oliver, suffocated from feline leukemia in my arms on my 29th birthday. it was the most excruciating pain to my heart. my scream rattled our little coach house.

i am so glad that my mom is listening to her intuition that tells her it's time to let him go peacefully. i squelched that voice that told me over and over as ollie stumbled breathlessly, drooling, refusing to eat, too, but my vet convinced me to ride it out. a painful mistake that meant a painful death -- still makes me cry when i think about it. my mom's really at peace with it now. she's had a long time to think about this decision, and even though it's better than waiting until he is in serious pain, i'm sure it will still be so hard.

anyway -- please think of my mom and general today.