random observations while on maternity leave

it's funny how you spend ten months of your life in the most womanly state possible, only to find yourself dressing in drag. i can't find much in my own closet that fits my newly rubenesque physique. fortunately [?], casey is about my present size, down to the inseam.


speaking of fluctuating sizes, it's time for oprah to hang it up. long a big fan of her show, i now find it unwatchable. she just seems to be grabbing at straws. the other day, she had on "oprah and gail's big adventure" where the two of them pretended to be on a road trip like normal people... with an entourage of about fifteen camera people and producers? it was actually kind of embarrassing.


speaking of tv, let's all please start a letter-writing campaign to get those god-awful campbell's soup commercials off the air. you know the ones: they've got that nasal, flat voice singing, "campbells/chicken noodle/possibilities..." everytime i hear it, i wish i had swimmer's ear in both ears instead of one.


speaking of swimmer's ear, remember that being a doctor doesn't necessarily make you smart. i went to my g.p. the other evening, complaining of a very painful lymph node at my right eustachian tube, which i guessed might be attributed to the swimmer's ear i got birthing in the tub. as is evident in the medical history he was scrolling through, i'm pretty prone to ear infections. he smirked and clucked and then asked me, "if you knew you were going to get swimmer's ear, why'd you give birth in the bathtub?" you're right: how stupid of me. now i have to put pesky old drops in my ear. jeez, what a bimbo i am.


lastly, speaking of bimbos, if i was the creative director at a hair coloring company, i'd call that spun sugar platinum shade "porn blonde". from time to time, i see women with that brittle, monochromatic, über-bleached hair and reflexively think "porn." before you accuse me of being overly-critical, i myself have fallen under the spell of the porn blonde hair. i'll have to find a photo. i may be heinz 57 with scandinavian blood in there but let's face it: the greekness cancels out being truly able to carry off that sparklingly pale a mane.


speaking of hair, i'm finally getting a real haircut! i had several inches lopped off four months ago, but this time, i'm getting away from hippy-drippy and attempting some long layers à la maria menounos. now she's a hot greek chick.