I used to place a lot of faith in my ability to sense what's happening in my body, but now, I'm less sure. Before the last scans, I felt a lot of pain in my liver and thought for certain the carboplatin and gemzar regimen I was so seldom able to actually receive was not working, when in fact, it had decimated the tumors to sub-centimeter size. At least I know I have that regimen in my back pocket if this trial doesn't do anything for me.
For now, I am enjoying a life off chemotherapy. What does that mean? When I cut myself, it clots. My bald spot seems to be filling in, and I am nowhere near as winded as I was when I hardly had two red blood cells to rub together.
Now, I'm just a regular old fat lady and that's hard for me to find peace with. We went skiing in Utah three weeks ago and I twisted my knee, so I've gone to various care providers for help. They all ask me terrible questions like, "Are you an exerciser?" The fuck? Maybe that doesn't seem like a terrible question to you, but when you have lived most of your life as a very fit, active person, realizing that someone has to use such a delicately phrased question when talking to you because they literally can't tell if you spend your days sitting on your ass eating donuts stings. A lot. Compound having to face this incredulity every time I enter a doctor's office with the reality that, now that have been neutered, I have to restrict my eating to a fraction of what I have always eaten, and you have a very dysphoric individual. I am sure anyone over 60 is laughing at my anguish, but I never got the opportunity to go gentle into that goodnight that is full-blown menopause; it was lights-out on my ovaries less than two years ago. I think I'm just feeling very sorry for myself at the moment, too, because with this messed-up knee, I have not been able to be an "exerciser" at all. I am also realizing that I must look really pathetic trying to get involved with any dance, and that hurts my soul, too. I don't want to be some irrelevant, gold-shoe wearing, thirsty-ass old lady everyone is rolling their eyes at. The problem is that I am unskilled at being a 40+ year-old woman. I don't know how to be normal or what that even looks like. My life has been thrown so far out of the orbit of normalcy, that I don't even know which end is up. I'm bored and spinning. I'm uninspired to right myself. I feel lost.