new finding: absence of sports leads to shopping

say it with me, "rw mcquarters is one of my droogs... rw mcquarters is one of my droogs.."

when i take my lunch each day at about 3pm, i read that week's time magazine. this week, i read possibly one of the all time stupidest quotes. surely, the author of the article must have typed the quote in to the piece with a smirk and a chuckle, right? right?! despite my mouthful of grilled cheese-and-apple sandwich, i gave the page a good hearty bronx cheer. at least i won't have to read it again -- the pages are now stuck together.

here it is:

"there is a large number of people, mainly women, who do not play sports or see much point in watching professional sports," says john quelch, a professor of marketing at harvard business school. "they have a competitive spirit that manifests itself on black friday [the day after thanksgiving when everyone shops like they are on fire]."

if this man was my husband, you're damn right i'd be shopping... for a bag to put over my head. talk about a random correlation. because they tend to occur at the same time, surely there must be a link? and you teach at... harvard?!

i can see it now:

men, tired of their wives racking up debt on artificial upside-down christmas trees and teeny dvd players, assemble their beloved wives clockwork orange-style in front of a theater screen. with their eyes pried open [mine are watering just thinking about it], they are forced to endure hour after hour of monday night football, complete with horrifyingly uncountable [trust me: i've had to choreograph to that nightmare twice now] theme song playing over and over.

dun, dun-dun, DAHHH.... dun, dun, dun, dun-DAHHH!!!

with one hand clutching their wives' hands, the hubbies administer eyedrops with the other, cooing, "almost done. hang in there, honey. once we get past howie long's flat top, we're in the final stretch. oh, i'm so proud of you, sweetie!"

several hours later [the game went into overtime, you see] the weary couples file from the theater. some are going out for a celebratory ice cream sundae, but most check their watches nervously. they don't want to be late for their doctor-induced hysterical paroxysms.