dogmatic

all hail the barkless basenji

i gotta tell you, people. i know there are some die hard dog lovers who read this site but i have to be honest and tell you that the prospects of my being inducted into your world are dwindling fast.

you see, my home is surrounded by many a barking dog. to the north, our neighbor leaves their black lab outside at about 6:00a every weekend and then seemingly returns to a deep, unshakable r.e.m. sleep. the beast stands at the front door and rhythmically woofs like a canine alarm clock. being shaken from my already crappy slumber [i just wanna sleep on my back, for chrissakes], i morph into my mother: hair askew and shuddering from lack of motor skills, i throw on my robe and hunker down to my back window to hiss, "hey! hey! be quiet!" to the creature. just like we three kids did, it sheepishly obeys for a while, but it doesn't matter: i'm awake now. boo.

to the south, we have a menagerie: two cats, a ferrett, and an undetermined number of shih-tzus. we guess there are maybe five of them. when i am outside, enjoying my yard with a nice magazine, savoring the sweet perfume of my daffodils, these little monsters yap and yap and yap and yap and yap at me, pop-eyes ablaze. this has gone on every year, despite the fact that i have unabashedly taken a hose to the little bastards.

there are other dogs around: ones that howl when emergency vehicles pass by, ones that crap in front of my trash cans in the alley, and ones that incite others to help them do their evil bidding by barking up a frenzy. today, as i sit in my office, happily typing away listening to birds sing their mellifluous song with the windows open, the canine chorus begins. before you know it, the shit-zoo joins in on the refrain. my neighbors were outside, going about their day, not quieting their animals when i could take it no more.

i screamed: "quiet!" i astonished even myself, but i just don't care. it worked.