Thursday, June 22, 2006

step right up and ride the negatron

have you ever just been so mired down in negativity that you can't find your way out?

i feel like i just want to hit the reset button on my brain to get away from the never-ending stream of toxic bile it churns.

i can't seem to shake minor disappointments. i keep taking them apart in my mind and wondering how the ball got dropped.

i want explanations. i want a forum to express that something left me crestfallen or at least mildly curious about how certain simple decisions were made. i want to know what i need to know to make it okay for me when it isn't. i want vindication. i wan't apologies and agreements.

however, being a demanding bitch is one thing -- having your superego deliver a psychological caning at the same time is agony.

"who the hell are you for thinking you deserve everything exactly the way you want it?" my righteous nemesis demands, punctuating the question with a forceful lashing. "don't be such an ungrateful [whip], exacting [whack], persnickety [whap] brat! what stupid [whick], petty [whack] things to obsess about. you should be more thankful [wha-whip]. count your [thwack] blessings! be appreciative for once in your life!"

i can't get away from it. i can't turn it off. it's giving me a headache and a lump in my throat. i can't talk to anyone about it. i can't focus on anything else -- my eyes just go blurry while my mind keeps the cycle of criticism and self-loathing spinning and spinning.

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