Monday, December 23, 2013

December to remember



Finally had my ovaries removed. I knew they were working just fine and that I was experiencing a normal cycle and, wouldn't you know it? Right before my surgery date, the poor babies delivered their swan song: my first period in over a year and my last one ever. Made me sad. Had my IUD removed while I was under as well.

I was truly very uncomfortable for a few days. First it was just being excruciatingly bloated and bleeding a lot. Once that subsided, I experienced that feeling you have after you give birth where you really feel like something was just torn from you and you're tender and contracted. I have three very small incisions -- one at each hip and one under my navel -- and I felt like someone put an eggbeater in there and made a meringue of me.

Just prior to that, I visited the Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner. It was a fairly intimidating experience but he feels confident he can help me. $500+ later, I walk out with a huge bag of pills and teas.  I am having a hard time taking them all but when I do, I think they help my energy.

Right before that, I received a prescription for Ritalin. My energy levels have been so low and so I am trying these to help keep me from sleeping all day. Combined with the TCM herbs and a big fat smoothie with spinach and Green Vibrance, I can at least stay awake, but I live here on my couch all day, reading, folding laundry, and picking my Hand-and-Foot syndrome afflicted feet until they bleed. It's pretty awful -- dermatillomania and HFS do not mix -- but I think I learned my lesson after making it so hard for myself to walk. My big toenails are pretty much kaput, too. My big toes are so big and they just continually get jammed into whatever shoes I am wearing. Casey bought me a new pair of ski boots and the result was a giant scab under my nail. Threw out two sets of nippers -- rendered dull and useless -- after that bender.

I changed my regimen on Xeloda to one week on and one week off. Seems to be a good thing for me because the second week was always just brutal to my energy. I think it works on my cancer.  I haven't felt any palpable tumors nor much pain if any at all. I have scans in early January and I am hoping for fabulous results.

Amidst all this, I dealt with officially and formally retiring from my job, cleaning out my office, being at home with my children while my husband was out of town and my youngest son had a mumps-like illness which necessitated two trips to the hospital and a week out of school, and all the anxiety and panic the holidays bring. I was truly peaceful when I found myself without any dirty laundry to wash, the house was completely clean, and we three were working well together.

I turned 41 and had two wonderful days of birthday fun with my family and friends. Now, alone again (Casey is on a ski trip with a friend) with two overly-rambunctious boys finally in their beds, the Christmas shopping done, I am finally catching up with my feelings which I've been keeping pushed down deep inside. I am sad. I feel so ugly. I don't look anything like the pretty lady I used to be. I am so mutilated and bereft of any beauty and femininity. I feel so alone. I wonder if I will ever see many of my friends again. I am tired of being tired.




2 comments:

Jamie Dougherty said...

None of us look the way we used to - life makes its mark on every one of us, like rings and knots on a tree. I hope that someday you can look in the mirror and see what the rest of us see: beauty, brains, class, courage and strength.

Momma said...

I hope that your scan results have made you feel better. It really kkis healthy kto touch the bottom and look at the depths as long as you come back to the surface again. You are who you are with or without hair or ovaries or beautiful feet.

I see layers and layers peeled away and still Paula, the strong, beautiful woman relentlessly emerging. Compared to you a year ago, you have been through the war like high quality tempered steel and radiate startling beauty.