Tuesday, January 04, 2005

grocery store snob



i like to think of myself as a pretty down-to-earth, unpretentious person. i endeavor not to be classist or a label whore and i think that, by and large, i'm doing an okay job: i buy almost all my clothes on clearance or even at thrift stores, 90% of my makeup is from walgreens, and i'm not one to let open-seating policies scare me away from flying certain airlines. there is one niggling hangup i do have: grocery stores.

i am the worst grocery store snob of all time. i'm frankly ashamed and wish i'd just get over it, but time and time again, i leave jewel and dominick's with my greek blood boiling over, vowing never to return.

what fills me with such annoyance? lemme tell ya:

produce: the produce always blows. for conventionally-grown fruits and vegetables, everything is really shriveled, over-ripe and beat-up. there's often little to choose from. where are the fresh herbs and heirloom tomatoes? how can you unconscionable hucksters sell raspberries with friggin' mold on them?!

bakery: the bakery areas make me zook. the bins at the jewel i went to yesterday were so filthy. my fear of roaches almost deterred me from snagging the last two hoagie rolls from their crumb-smeared plexiglas bin. ew.

aisles: the stores are just too damned big! too many aisles of too much garbage i don't want! the signs overhead never accurately indicate what variety of garbage one might find. those places with the aisle bisecting the aisles crosswise have the worst feng shui ever -- there's no good chi flow through so everyone wanders around willy-nilly, banging carts, yanking lost children by the arm, and giving each other irritated looks.

musak: at the store i like, i can bop through the aisles rocking out to uninterrupted 80s flashback medleys, 90s mixes, or oldies from the 60s. no constant yammering of pre-recorded advertisements. no unintelligible squawking of the cashiers needing a price check. just music. ahhhh...

too much lunchables, not enough cumin: in this largely latino-hispanic city, what friggin' store sells four lines of spices but no fuggin' ground cumin?! come on already, you amateurs!

getting guff about my bags: i have a collection of canvas grocery bags i use, not only because they are better for the environment, but because they can accommodate more groceries and be carried by little me much easier. when my bags come coasting down the register conveyor belt, the cashier and baggers get perplexed as all get out. do they put bags in the canvas ones? am i buying them? are they on candid camera? forget about the mesh produce bags i use -- asking the cashier to enter a tare weight of .06 when weighing your broccoli will get you a cap busted in your ass.

i try to make sure at the store i like i buy their line of products and i save money there. i try, dammit! in the end, logging in hours at the market next to polite yuppies and crunchy jerries, never smelling the stench of urine from bums in the breezeways is worth a few extra ducats.

4 comments:

Di said...

Ain't nothing wrong with being a grocery snob. Purchasing food should be a pleasant experience instead of giving you the feeling that you've just experienced grocery hell (screaming children, crabby old people, scrivelling produce, food made out of chemicals and endlessness only as Hell can provide).

.....Besides, Jack morned the loss of Happy Foods for years. Still won't set foot in a Jewel.

p said...

that's right! jack is a fellow discriminating shopper! i almost forgot about his undying love for happy foods.

Anonymous said...

Gotta' move to Ann Arbor. They have all these incredible "specialty" grocery stores that sell almost nothing but spices and 457 differant kinds of rice. I've wandered them aimlessly never buying a thing since I don't recognize anything in the place. And, they REQUIRE you to bring your own canvas bags.

God love the granolas!
L.

trisha said...

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