kill them with kindness

not pulling the hood over my eyes. i know what they're aboot!

i'm sorry, but i just ban this philosophy, people.

killing someone with kindness means, when dealing with someone whom you dislike or feel is being a severe pain in the ass, to be as sugar-sweet as possible when you really want to grab them by the back of the head and bang it repeatedly into the curb yelling, "no, no, no! bad! bad dog!"

i am all for diffusing someone's anger by being calm and attentive to the problem at hand. trust me -- i have a lot of practice doing that in my line of work. the notion that you should falsely disguise your desire "to kill someone" with friendliness and cheerfulness is just antithetical to my core.

i just have to be honest with someone and convey my sense of frustration with the matter with maturity and civility. let's face it: if someone is just royally puckering up to the ol' pink stink star at what seems to be an inappropriate time [standard protocol for those kwk devotees], chances are i will be able to tell. anyone with the capacity to follow a logical, linear path of thought should be able to smell the bullshit a mile away, yet certain people still maintain killing someone with kindness should be the 11th commandment. i can see if being nice will mollify the matter, but i swear i turn into a silverback gorilla when someone is laying it on thick.

i remember fellow college dance team members who were guided through life by the phrase "kill 'em with kindness." these were the ones that would talk to the athletic department administrators in baby voices, giggling, twinkling their eyes and shaking their pom pons. ack. one day at practice, i finally told my team members i didn't understand why they talked to them like that, that it was embarrassing for grown women acting like children around the very people from whom they seek validation. they blinked their dewy, surprised eyes and totally started bawling. i guess there's more to the old adage that "if you can't take it, don't dish it out." turns out they don't dish it for a reason. oopsie.

i have come to the conclusion that, while the phenomenon seems to have originated in the land of southern hospitality, the legend of minnesota nice and other stereotypes the word heartland connotes rank right up there with santa claus and the tooth fairy. come on, you guys -- you're not gumming all that cheese up there in dairyland. it's okay to show some teeth!