air travel for dummies

on the topic of cluelessness, i would love to propose the creation of a traveler's primer. i was at midway airport this weekend and was surprised [read: annoyed] at the number of novice flyers. i know midway serves as chicago's veritable junior varsity airport [insert chicken salad/shit adage here], but i think everyone would benefit from some helpful hints.

• the self-service e-ticket machines are idiot-proof. just calm yourself and read the screen. stop panicking. if you would have arrived earlier, you would be more lucid right now.



• attention all men: for the love of all that is holy, either get a purse for all the crap you carry in your pockets that causes the x-ray scanner to beep or get with the program and start taking it out of your pockets when you're about eight people away from walking through. i highly recommend a manpurse. seriously, self-inflicted humiliation can be reckoned with whereas unruly, pissed-off, impatient people cannot.



• on the same note, be proactive! if you think your shoes have metal in them, take them off. if they don't [gym shoes], spare us. if you cannot discern between the two types of shoes, i can only determine you have metal in your head and give you pitying stares.



• if you don't have fleas, it's okay to sit next to someone at the gate. if it wasn't, they would not put chairs next to eachother. the infamous 'fag rule' [two guys may not sit together unless they are romantically involved] is not applicable when there is a dearth of seating. be confident in your sexuality, for pete's sake.



• be kind. don't eat the stinkiest food you can find on the plane. no one wants to smell that, dude.



• if you have to blow your nose, simply hit the call-button and ask the flight attendant for a tissue. snorting your mucus back into your throat is offensive in some cultures, namely those from places where people don't wipe their butts with leaves.