Thursday, July 01, 2004

air travel for dummies

on the topic of cluelessness, i would love to propose the creation of a traveler's primer. i was at midway airport this weekend and was surprised [read: annoyed] at the number of novice flyers. i know midway serves as chicago's veritable junior varsity airport [insert chicken salad/shit adage here], but i think everyone would benefit from some helpful hints.

  • the self-service e-ticket machines are idiot-proof. just calm yourself and read the screen. stop panicking. if you would have arrived earlier, you would be more lucid right now.

  • attention all men: for the love of all that is holy, either get a purse for all the crap you carry in your pockets that causes the x-ray scanner to beep or get with the program and start taking it out of your pockets when you're about eight people away from walking through. i highly recommend a manpurse. seriously, self-inflicted humiliation can be reckoned with whereas unruly, pissed-off, impatient people cannot.

  • on the same note, be proactive! if you think your shoes have metal in them, take them off. if they don't [gym shoes], spare us. if you cannot discern between the two types of shoes, i can only determine you have metal in your head and give you pitying stares.

  • if you don't have fleas, it's okay to sit next to someone at the gate. if it wasn't, they would not put chairs next to eachother. the infamous 'fag rule' [two guys may not sit together unless they are romantically involved] is not applicable when there is a dearth of seating. be confident in your sexuality, for pete's sake.

  • be kind. don't eat the stinkiest food you can find on the plane. no one wants to smell that, dude.

  • if you have to blow your nose, simply hit the call-button and ask the flight attendant for a tissue. snorting your mucus back into your throat is offensive in some cultures, namely those from places where people don't wipe their butts with leaves.


trisha said...

Very sound advice! Good post. Me likie.

Jamie said...

So very, very true. As always, your powers of observation are keen and thorough. :) Have a great 4th!

Queen T said...

I'm with you on this post. just browsing veggie blog(ger)s and saw that you crochet too! two great combos...peace...

Birdlady said...

If you think about it, this all adds up to consideration and courtesy toward fellow passengers, humans, etc. Where did they go? I enjoyed your comments