Wednesday, June 30, 2004

space for rant

my brother-in-law [a self-proclaimed etiquette nazi] posted recently about the hoi-poloi's lack of elevator manners. he mentions renting a billboard and publicizing to the world at large the proper method for entering and exiting an elevator.

i, too, fantasize about being able to broadcast to the unwitting some things that might lubricate day-to-day social interactions. maybe these can be a crawl across the bottom of the television or something:


DO NOT PULL INTO RIGHT LANE OF AN INTERSECTION TO VIOLENTLY SWERVE AROUND AND CUT OFF CAR IN THE LEFT LANE. THIS WOULD BE DEFINED AS A 'DICK MOVE.' WHEN SHOPPING AT A CLOTHING STORE, TAKE THE HANGING ITEM OFF THE RACK AND THEN REPLACE HUNG ALONGSIDE OTHER CLOTHING. THOSE THAT KEEP THE HANGER HOOKED ON THE RACK AND LAY GARMENT ON TOP OF RACKED CLOTHING WILL BE FORCED TO RE-ENACT THE WIREHANGER SCENE FROM MOMMIE DEAREST AS CHRISTINA CRAWFORD. WHEN DRIVING THROUGH AN ALLEY IN A RESIDENTIAL AREA BETWEEN 10 PM AND 8 AM, DO NOT HONK TO ANNOUNCE YOUR PRESENCE. JUST SLOW DOWN, MORON. ATTENTION ALL WOMEN! DO NOT HOVER OVER PUBLIC TOILETS TO URINATE. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.


so many annoyances, so few episodes of the ricki lake show.

1 comment:

trisha said...

I think the blinking, scrolling white text on black background has given me epilepsy.