Saturday, November 13, 2004

good answer, good answer...

"what you do when you see your ex-wife at a party: 'hide in the corner and pout'... survey says?!"

i would be remiss if i failed to mention a momentous occurrence: after 12 years of out-and-out ugly-ass hateration, my parents actually conducted themselves in a genteel, polite, civil manner at my little sister's 30th birthday party at moretti's in edison park.

alas, we did actually dupe my father and his wife into coming -- we neglected to mention to them that my mother and her husband would be there. whoops-a-daisy! my mom and jack arrived and chatted everyone up drinking delicious wheat beer when tomás [not his real name -- just what we call him] and judy [a mid 40's version of jessica simpson] entered the private room. we stood with my mom by the bar on the other side of the room, discussing these felt-and-rhinestone poppy pins i make, when her eyes locked on the newest party guests.

have you ever been with a friend at a bar and they either see someone they have a massive crush on someone they dated for a long time? you know how they get all amped up? i could almost see the adrenaline rush -- her pupils dilated, face blanched, hands white-knuckling the pint glass. in that split second, i realized that no one really ever grows out of that. miraculously, my mother fought off the urgent fight-or-flight mechanism, beamed her biggest big-toothed grin, and promptly slugged down the remaining oktoberfest brew. casey [our family's newest quasi-therapist] went to the bar to refresh her refreshment in a show of support.

the night went well, far better than we all anticipated. you see, the last time i remember my parents at the same social gathering, we were at webster wine bar for our couple's shower. my father entered the gathering and promptly stationed himself in the corner closest to the door for fear of interacting with my mom. this made introducing him [who, at this point, had already put his foot down that he would not pay or participate in our wedding] to my in-laws-to-be all the more awkward because he refused to break the invisible force-field that kept him tethered there.

jack, my stepdad, talked with my dad [read "listened to my dad talk at him"] for an ungodly amount of time about fishing, and judy [never a discriminating chatter] talked everyone to pieces about anything. my mom and dad discussed a sundry of notables pertaining to the health of former and current brothers- and sisters-in-law. my mother primly folded her arms praying-mantis style and gripped her wrists in her trademark fashion and for one day, my sisters and i got to reminisce of days when my parents were married, still didn't like each other, but held closed the now-present yawning chasm that makes holidays and special events so trying for us. i don't blame them for the way they feel [hell, i begged them to split up]; i only know that seeing them try very hard to move on in some capacity that one night gave us three a wonderful feeling of hope and peace.


Anonymous said...

Hey, just noticed you now have a link to Suburban Bliss. What do you think of the site? Do you actually read it?


p said...

yeah, actually, i love it! thanks for pointing it out to me! i love to read about choppable. that toy is demented. what the heck is it supposed to be? who named it choppable and why, lord, why!?!?

Anonymous said...

Here is the sick and sad truth behind Choppable...If you go to the actual archeives of 10-29-04 on Suburbanbliss you get all the disgusting pics too!

I love my husband. He has many charming idiosyncrasies and I love that about him.

He also has eight percent body fat and my goodness is he excited about this. I, on the other hand am not impressed because if we're ever on a sinking ship, my husband is sinking like a rock. I will float to the surface due to the plentiful fat stores in my ass.

Sometimes I wonder how Logan became the odd and lean man he is, then I find it. Choppable.

Choppable was Logan's childhood toy.

Choppable has no business calling himself a 'toy'.

Choppable has the mange.

Choppable is losing his brain.

Logan once cuddled with Choppable (also held him by his tail and used it as a punching bag). Would you cuddle with this?

I cuddled with a teddy bear. A nice, normal teddy bear.

When Maddie was a newborn, we put Choppable on a high shelf above her bed because we thought it was funny. Sometimes, when she wouldn't sleep Logan and I would yell out, "If you don't stop crying Choppable will get you." No wonder she was such a good sleeper.

One day before she turned two she asked us to take the "Old Man Monkey Man" out of her room. I don't blame her.

The most commonly asked question when I pull out Choppable to show guests in our home is, "Jesus, what is that?" I don't know. I just don't know.

Second most commonly asked question: "Why Choppable?" No one knows.

Max is generally scared of Choppable, but look. I think he's finding a soft spot for him. Maybe someday he'll have eight percent body fat also!