at least eat the wedding cake

hyperthyroidism much?

what a thoughtless dingbat! if i were her fiance, i would have to think hard about wanting to spend my life with someone who, in a fit of fear and selfishness, caused such widespread panic.

on second thought, she might not have been so boneheaded if she had proper nutrition feeding her brain. or maybe she was worried about giving up her crazy bachelorette days at greyskull castle with her pal she-ra and that sexy hunk, he man.

the mystery of britney's breasts

real or fake? you make the call!

not a girl, not yet a mother

like fat elvis, only with boobies

you know, i can only imagine how absolutely horrible life would be if i had someone following me all the time, taking my picture everywhere i went. in the case of our fair friend britney, i just can't help but wonder if she'd have that many people dying to get shots of her if she didn't look like such a complete trainwreck all the time. i don't support tabloids or smut like people or us magazine, but i will occasionally look for a site that features recent photos of her. gosh darnit, it's just so fun to see what kind of jacked-up ensemble she cooks up each day. hey, i can quit anytime i want -- i'm not addicted.

i'm not saying she should look perfect all the time or impeccably dressed, but how about not like complete white trash? maybe a good supportive brassiere, especially now that she's got those new big cans? it looks like there's effort there -- hair done, makeup done -- just... wow, really unfortunate choices.

for starters, if she's only in her first trimester, why is she wearing that maternity-esque schmatte? recently, i keep seeing her in really unflattering summer dresses, breasts all over the place. ugh.

speaking of ugh, i'm no fashion guru, but hasn't it already been made abundantly clear that ugg boots have come and gone and are now the domain of the knockoff artists like payless and sears? what is she doing wearing those boots? with a short dress no less! bad dog!

what i wonder is if her friend [the tastefully-dressed girl in the pink skirt] in the photo with her is like, "um, really, britney. is it laundry day, cherie?"

sanibel

glad it doesn't say the same for feeding the no-see-ums.

sanibel was blissful despite some niggling biological annoyances. now that i have emerged from my benadryl-induced coma and overwhelming amounts of email, i'll share.

we all strove to get over that pesky travel "irregularity", if ya catch my drift. eileen, casey, and i devised a menu that would surely erradicate any blockages -- starbucks espresso, some ghirardelli brownies, and a pack of reds. mmm... now that's good eatin'... and good crappin'!

why the benadryl? my carefully cultivated spf 30 tan is studded with close to one hundred ruby welts, each crowned with an amber-like crystal of crust. you see, the insects, they love me. from the northwoods of minnesota to the sunny shores of the sunshine state, they patiently wait for me to come and give them the plentiful cornucopia that is my poor body. it's always been this way, and it sucks. with 15 below my left knee alone, my leg was literally hot to the touch with inflammation and sheer anger. the worst part is i think they followed me home. i've been frantically doing laundry, trying to cook those bastards. next time, i'm going to take b-complex vitamins until my pee is radioactive. that'll learn them li'l fuckers.

despite the itching, scratching, and straining, it was truly a relaxing and fun week that i look forward to enjoying again in 2006. you can see some photos on casey's blog. he had a lot of fun taking closeups of nasty looking ham steak at the sanibel cafe propelling me into the "ugly" laughs -- see page 3.

self-hating yankee

i love this test. fifteen years of working with people from all around the country makes you accutely aware of accents. i now know the difference between a dallas southern accent and a memphis southern accent. i savor the complex regional hybrids from new orleans and baltimore like an exquisite, hand-crafted delicacy. i love being able to out ohioans! living here my entire life, i can usually detect, with reasonable accuracy, what part of the chicagoland area someone is from by they way they speak. my poor little sister [always firmly ensconced in the northside] is the source of my good natured ribbing for her northwest suburban vowel-swapping.

i've got cousins from southern suburbs [peeeloos eand oorlin' peark] and southern north america ["y'all say watermelon funny: wahh-tur-MOH-LOHN..."]. as little kids, we cracked each other up with how differently we pronounced the same words.

when i was a tween, i aspired to do some print modeling and commercial work. i had this acting coach in wrigleyville i'd visit once a week. i distinctly recall her reminding me to slow down and repronounce words to stifle the north shore mushmouthedness that raised its ugly head while practicing chips ahoy! cookie commercials.

the very first year i competed in the miss drill team usa pageant, it was pounded into me again that accents aren't good. the winners were the girls with the syrupy drawls from sugarlands, texas: to my amazement, they all performed the speech portion of the contest with regionally-neutral, robotic cadence. i'm pleased to report i placed third in the nation my senior year; my forensic exercise crafted by my mom is forever etched into my brain. practicing the word "prevent" over and over really pissed me off.

in my continuing quest to sound unplaceable, this test proves i still have a long way to go. maybe that's good. i need to embrace my inner yankee-ness, though part of me is silently rejoicing over the "0% dixie".

---

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Yankee

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

interview questions

at long last, here are my interview questions. remember: please let me know when you've posted your replies on your blogs.

hey, readers out there! want to answer any of the questions below? feel free to write your reply in the comments or post your answers on your blog. the more the merrier, right?

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momma

1. who would play you in a movie about your life?

2. what one basic parenting tenet would you say you followed while mothering three girls?

3. what was your favorite hairstyle you had in the 80s? looking back, what hairdo signaled that you may have reached the nadir of fashion victimhood?

4. is your life anything your 18-year-old self would have envisioned? why or why not?

5. what do you want to do for mother's day?

---

jamie

1. how old do you feel in your mind?

2. what do you say to all those self-hating redheads out there?

3. do you have any idiosyncracies or verbal tics? if so, do you embrace them or wish you could twelve-step 'em out of your system?

4. what do you wish you would have said to that person the time you held it in and didn't say anything?

5. do you still like stars, miss starlette?

the interview game

i get to play the interview game! thanks to trisha for the questions. here goes!

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1. Any regrets?

i regret letting my yard go to complete shite this fall. yesterday, while i was using an electric clipper to mow down some majorly dead pompous grass...

::::screen goes all wavy for dream sequence::::

there's me, listening to maxwell's cover of kate bush's "this woman's work" on my ipod, large unwieldy electrical appliance in my hands, strawlike strands of dead grass flying.

maxwell: "i know you got a little life in you yet,..."
electric saw: brrrrrrrroooooaaaarrripzzzzz-chuk!
maxwell: "i know you got a lotta strength left..."

::::screen goes all wavy again::::

don't forget we're blessed with an extra-wide lot. wheee!

---

2. What happened that day?

as the autumn dwindled down, our second floor was being renovated and so the house became a veritable polish pirate ship. these men came and went and did what they want and we just floated along lamely. casey & i, feeling like stowaways, got wind of the yard nazi who, for like $30, will come and whack the crap out of your yard for you.

we scheduled him, and due to one of three factors, i never answered the door:

1. i have some hearing loss,
2. our doorbell is a tempermental piece of crap,
3. there was much loud banging and much yelling of "tak! tak! pragda!"

pissed-off, the guy refused to return any of our pleading messages to reschedule.

---

3. If not you, then who?

ummm... wha-it?

---

4. Mary Louise Parker or Mary Stuart Masterson or Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio? And why.

all three are the reason i believe i trying to give your kid a unique name can be a good idea. at one time, when you had a standard, plain name in the entertainment industry, the adding of the middle name made you stand out, but now, there are so many three-namers out there, they've all fused themselves into a huge globular miasma. can't tell them all apart anymore.

i see the trend going the other way. evidence? michael j. fox is now mike fox.

---

5. If you could change Casey's name, what would you change it to?
don't think i would -- he's just such a casey.

according to lisa birnbach's the preppy handbook, the name "bunny" i've had for him for years seems apt. under the list of the top 12 most popular nicknames for boys, she writes:

6. bunny: surprising but true. high society. nonathletic, but cool. comes from any name.

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The Official Interview Game Rules


1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

reading/listening/watching

boxing or botulinum?

reading: just finished the red tent by anita diamant, recommended by laurel and roma. glad i read it. i loved the way the two cultures -- canaanite and egyptian -- were juxtaposed. i think i was expecting it to be so much more and less at the same time. more in that, in many ways, it reminded me of a romance novel. lots of babes dandled on laps, keening sobs, pealing laughter and references to genitalia as one's "sex." less in that, man alive, it was a long book. i don't think i motored through textbooks in school as earnestly. wait, as a matter of fact, my grade point average pretty much proves i didn't. i wonder if i would have been less confused by all the rachels and rebeccas, judahs and jacobs had i had more familiarity with the bible stories. i can see why you guys recommended it to me -- holy crap, who's afraid of having babies?! [oh, me! me, me! pick me!]

i just received babyji in the mail. time for some good ol' smut to read on the sanibel beaches. whoo! i think i read an indian themed book there last year -- the namesake by jhumpa lahiri. one of the best books i've ever read.

listening: can't stop listening to a certain type of music. not sure what the technical definition is: urban, electronic, chilled house music with a brazilian flavor? casey just calls it "shopping music": the kind of music you hear piped overhead at urban outfitters and banana republic that doesn't command too much attention with complicated lyrics or instrumentation, but creates a plush, elegant ambience that whispers, "buy me, buy me, buy me..."

some of my choice picks are:

• blue six - beautiful tomorrow
  
• aya - strange flower
  
• the latin project - nueva musica
  
• naked music presents miguel migs - nude tempo one

watching: love "the contender"... did you see it sunday? we just watched it [we taped it -- we're old skool like dat] last night. if you haven't seen it, cast aside your distate for pugilism [i think it's gross] and check this show out. we're on the brink of tears, from either happiness or sadness or both, after every episode. sly's face is hilarious.

i love my friend

... with taxes, that comes to 15¢.

when we're not bitching about things, my dear friend jeannine and i are cracking up.

i was talking to her as she was in a cab in manhattan, racing to catch a flight from newark to san fran to run a pro team's cheerleader tryouts. i was telling her about how i was offered the chance to judge my alma mater's dance team tryouts, but was feeling bad because they're sunday from 7-10p and i'd have to drive four hours out there, stay in a hotel sunday night and then drive back monday, cutting into my work day. i feel especially bad because i know the coach [she used to work with me] and she's been a huge help to me this winter with my events. the spirit coordinator [a coworker of mine] offered to up the pay, but it's still logistically unfun. i was feeling guilty.

"take ten years off your life and you'd do it in a second," jeannie says. "back then, we'd lick a dog's ass for a quarter."

i'm not sure what's funnier than that. have a great weekend, everyone.